End of the semester instructor's rant

I swear, some day I am going to publish a small book, filled with all the best (and most entertaining) student excuses about unfinished work and poor grades. Perhaps there will be a special foreword/curse for some of those well-intentioned high school teachers who tolerate all manner of sloppy work and unmet deadlines, all in the name of graduation and marching forward into the future.

The future often takes students into a classroom like mine, where the iron gates of personal responsibility close on them at some point. And this happens before they enter the actual world of work, where perpetual excuses are "rewarded" with termination.

Not all students make you crazy. There are many wonderful students — those who are always in class, always prepared, whose work is turned in on time and completed to the best of their ability. For a number of these excellent students, English is not even their first (or third or fifth) language. They are a joy to teach and help keep us sane when deadlines loom.

And then there are the others. All instructors know them well, and each of us has our favorite student excuses. Here are a very few of my personal favorites, all delivered with straight faces and great earnestness. (It should be noted, first, that I teach computer-based design classes, which require many hours of hands-on work, both during and outside of class.)

I think you should change my grade, because:

1. I know I did not turn in any of the projects and failed both exams. But I was here every week. That should count for at least a C.
   
2. I missed the final exam two weeks ago because my mom needed a ride to her friend's house. When can I take a makeup exam?
3. I am an A student, so I don't deserve a C. You need to fix this.
4. My parents will kick me out if I don't pass this course, but you gave me an F. Why? I know I didn't turn in any work, but I could if you give me more time. (There's nothing quite like guilt. On the other hand, I cannot believe the parents waited until the end of the semester to issue this threat.)
5. I read the chapters in the book. But I don't have a computer at home and coming to the labs takes too much time. So I should be exempt from doing any projects.
6. I should not have to revise this project for a better grade. My mom said it was perfect and you should give me an A.
7. I took this class because it was supposed to be easier than [another class]. Now you've ruined my GPA.
8. I couldn't finish the project because I needed to have my nails done. (Other variations include tanning salons, hair stylists, poker games, impromptu trips to the shore, concerts and even Facebook updates.)
9. I don't consider turning in work I found on the internet as cheating. And you shouldn't fail me because I am going to graduate this semester.
10. I came to only 2 classes this semester, but I will lose my student visa and be deported if you don't change my grade. (Yes, I know; that was rather sad. On the other hand, there is such a thing as fraud.)
    

My all-time favorite excuse came early one semester, from two students who were, clearly, a couple. When it became obvious that one was doing the work for both, I told them that they each needed to do their own work. One replied that, as they were practically living together, it shouldn't make any difference who did the work because they were, like, um... you know... one person. My response was that they were free to do that, of course, and I would simply divide the grade received equally between them. Or, option two, they could each do their own work. The brighter half of the couple realized instantly that dividing the grade meant they would both fail the course. They let me know I had violated their life principles and withdrew from the class.

Sigh. I wonder were they all are now?